the last time anyone should ever go to cavs

philadelphia, it's been a rough week. we're dealing with a SEPTA strike and there's no end in sight. the hit-and-runs just won't stop. the sixers suck. and, of course, the Fightins lost a tough six-game world series to the best team $192,350,000 can buy.

but these tough times, fair city, do not require that we sacrifice our dignity. philadelphia, we have a choice. are we the type of city that will continue to frequent a bar that refuses to serve tap water to patrons who have been drinking there for five hours and have a $300 tab? are we the type of city that will continue to frequent a bar that then proceeds to kick out those die-hard phillies fans DURING THE 6th INNING OF GAME 6 of the world series for refusing to be forced to pay for bottled water? i say no. i say we aren't that type of city. i say that cavs rittenhouse can suck it.

we've been going to cavs pretty regularly for big sporting events since the phils' playoff run last year. we've probably been there 10-15 times, usually with 5-8 people, twice we've had perhaps twenty people floating around. our tab is usually $400-$600. we tip 20%+, buy shots for the bartender, whatever. in other words, we were great, repeat customers for cavs.

world series: game one

during game one, 20 or so of the regular bartenders/servers/managers were on vacation in cancun together. it was a little bit of a shitshow, but nothing that bad, and hey, we loved cavs and went all the time, so no big deal. that is the night, however, when we first learned of Cavanaugh's seriously-you-have-to-be-kidding water policy version 1.0: they will only provide a glass of water if it is being ordered with another drink or with food. this is insane, and stupid, but not that big of a deal, because we were ordering beers the whole night, so we would just always order extra waters and have them floating around. the bartender also told us that she was only enforcing the policy because the owner was there, which he wouldn't have been except that everyone else was on vacation in mexico. looking back, the bar's decision to send their entire regular staff to cancun during the world series is rather good foreshadowing for...

world series: game six

last year during the world series, we would get to cavs at 4:30 or 5:00 and barely score seats at the bar, so we figured the same would be true for game six, and two of us showed up a little before five. (turns out it wasn't really filled until like 6:30 this year, which i think might be because they act like total fuckwads to their regular customers. but, who can know.) we opened a tab, and starting drinking beers (brooklyn pumpkin ale is awesome). i started talking to the bartender about this crazy water policy that they told us about during game one, and she said that the rule is just to prevent people from coming in and sitting, not eating or drinking, and just ordering waters. ("this is a bar, i mean, my god, some people.") she also said that if people were eating and drinking, that of course they could have water. "cool!" i said, and got a water. in a glass. it was lovely.

fast forward FIVE HOURS to the ~5th inning. we've been drinking the whole time. we've ordered food. our tab was $268, and would have been more like $350 if it wasn't happy hour for the first couple hours we were there. by the end of the game, we were easily going to be up to $500. also, we have a new bartender, to whom i will refer as Douchey McBrosef. i had never seen Douchey McBrosef at cavs before, and he was fairly douchey, and he thought he was a big deal--not my favorite person--but it was fine. until B asked for a water, and good old D. McB pulls out a bottle of water and puts it on the bar. we all looked at each other, not sure what to do, and just left the water there untouched for about another half inning. finally, we arrive in the 6th inning. here's how shit went down as close as i can remember:

N: can i have a water?

D. McB pulls out another bottle of water

N: no can i just have a glass of water?

D. McB: no, we only have bottled.

N: huh? we've been drinking water the whole night.

D. McB: well we're out. <<THAT'S RIGHT. HE SAID THEY WERE "OUT" OF TAP WATER.>>

N: can you send the manager over so we can talk to him?

D. McB: the manager is next door.

N (under his breath): cocksucker.

D. McB: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!?!

N: nothing, just move i'm trying to watch the game.

at this point, the situation died down for a minute or so, until another douchey looking, but older, guy who had been standing at the end of the bar decided he would pipe in...i guess because we were causing such a scene? because, you know, we were politely asking for tap water and being incredulous when we were told cavs was "out" of tap water. (we'll call him "Manager Broheezy von Douchenozzle".)

M.B. von D. (with heavy sarcasm): you know what? bottled water all night for these guys! how 'bout that! no one give any of these guys water.

me: dude, why are you escalating this for no reason? all we want is a glass of water.

N: is this really the business decision you're making?

M.B. von D.: YOU are escalating. you know what, it's time for the guy in the green shirt (N) to leave.

at this point, they call security over and escort N out of the bar, through the kitchen. once outside, N is told he is not allowed to wait for us to pay and leave, and that he had to leave the block. inside, we get our check for $267.80, wait to get R's card back, and give D. McB $270. the, AMAZINGLY--AMAZINGLY--D. McB gets furious that he didn't get a tip. E-X-C-U-S-E M-E D. McB???!?! you wouldn't give us water, and then got us kicked out of the bar during the 6th inning of the 6th game of the world series after our tab was $270, and you expected a tip?????!! D. McB proceded to slam the $2.20 change down in front of T. amazing.

one other note, in case cavs cares to respond to this, which i'm sure they won't, because they obviously couldn't care less about their customers or reputation. the bottles of water were part of some kind of fundraiser for breast cancer, or so they claimed about halfway through this ordeal. at one point M.B. von D. said loudly "obviously these guys hate saving breast cancer." now, first, the way fundraisers like that work is that a bar, or college club, would buy the cases of water from the organization, and then re-sell them to make back the money. but no matter how many they actually sell of the bottles of water they bought from the charity, the same exact amount of money goes to breast cancer research. secondly, if you really want to do that, as a bar, that's fine, but you would think that at some point on the internet, or twitter, or on a sign, or when you walk in, the bar would say something like "all water tonight is going to be bottled to support breast cancer research," which most people, including us, would obviously agree to. what you don't do is make up halfway through the night that the only way for people to drink water is out of bottles, and that this has always been the case, and that by ordering tap water your customers are somehow costing breast cancer research money. furthermore, based on the game one experience, it's pretty clear that the possibly made-up breast cancer fundraising has nothing to do with the water policy. (similarly, a crown royal on the rocks costs $1 more than a crown royal with no ice. as T. said, cavs is just charging for water in every form and in every way.)

in summary: cavs traded $1 for...$150 +$100 tip + the thousands of dollars we would have spent there in the future. but it shouldn't stop there, philly. no. we shouldn't let a group of punks buy up bars around the city and then decide they're going to treat us like assholes who have no choice but to pay for water when we are drinking there. what if cavs decided to charge $3 for their water? i have no doubt that one day they will, because they think they are so fucking amazing that no one will call them on it. the next time you are thinking of going to cavs, go to one of the fine establishments in our city that doesn't charge for water. the next time you are thinking of going to cavs, instead walk over there, and tell them you're going to Drinkers or Smith's or Fox and Hound or Jose Pistola's or Misconduct. and tell them that they can SUCK IT.